the best car alarm

would be the sound of a baby crying

not only is it the most annoying sound ever
but for some reason, people gravitate towards it

in last night's dream

i found myself at a table in a Manchurian restaurant
in the company of the generals from Mulan

we were drinking and dining, speaking chinese
into the wee hours of the night having a grand ol' time

i wish i could google translate my dreams

last night's dream takes the cake

oh wait, no. that was me. i took the cake;
at John Rambo's retirement function

there weren't that many people in attendance
but there were a ton of Ziggy cards

Is this what cartoonists look forward to
after syndication?

i had a weird dream

i'm sat in a hall, writing an exam for an advanced chemistry class.
pretty drawings and words but none of it makes any sense to me.

i have to hurry through it though as i have a plane to catch. i'm going on a vacation?

all the questions seem to be multiple choice which improves my chances somewhat...
oddly enough there are faint pencil marks around some of the answers... it's like someone tried this test before me but didn't finish. i figure going with pencil-mark-guy's answers couldn't be any worse than my own random guesses...

but i'm still panicking, trying to finish. most everyone else is done and handed in their papers

the prof calls me to hand in mine.
"yeah, yeah, almost done" as i flip through pages marking random answers

suddenly there's an accident. the building's shaking, something's gone wrong, but i don't care.
i'm glad. glad because the mad panic of the crowd gives me a bit of extra time to finish this paper!

the prof asks the few of us left writing to turn in the papers as we're out of time
he leaves with the box and says to follow him to his office.
i rush to hand in the paper and not get disqualified.
but as i leave the hall and enter the main building, all i see is a sea of people
i must have taken the wrong door cuz i'm in the english department
i push my way through to the admin receptionist and ask her
the way to the chem professor's office

she doesn't know who he is. fair enough, which way to the chem department
we don't have a chem department...

i look at my watch.
my flight has left the gate.

in my dream

i woke up on the couch
to find you two sitting there,
one on the same couch as me,
and another on a couch i don't have,
in front of a fireplace i don't have
and someone moved my tv to sit
in front of the balcony

upon waking, you tell me i have "lincoln hair"
WTF is lincoln hair??!

also, which one of you bitches
peed in the dishwasher i don't have?